Instead of saying outloud how i feel right at this moment, how do you think i should feel right now, waking up in the middle of the night at 4.29, staring at the screen in the chilling wind in my kitchen.

Idk, i actually woke up from a nightmare.. but that led some unhappy memories to my mind.. well, what can i say, this type of timing is just perfect for such memories to visit.

Well, i'd say, i've always been the type of person who'd try my best to get something that i want if i really really want it. Not to the extent that it'd be foolishly hurting someone, but the largest extent would be what i say fair competition irregardless of any other points.

Maybe you don't know what i'm talking about cuz it sounds too jumbled and complicated.. Putting it straight, let's just say for example if there's a guy that i really really like, i'd put away my dignity and 'chase' after this person until i get an answer that i want. even if things are complicated, like for example there's another girl who also happens to be a closefriend to this guy and likes him too. this is called fair competition. and of course i dun do these things without thinking it through. So long as the strong emotions and my determinations are present, i'd let myself go through what needs to be gone through to reach my destination even though i know it might (or would definitely) hurt myself in the process, or that it could end badly in a sense that things would be awkward. Just because i dun like to let things that i cherish to go past my life without putting in my best efforts to make it stay. And if i know that someone isn't suitable for me, i wouldnt delay his time, no, cos it wouldn't be fair for him, and i wouldnt want someone who likes me to be more miserable if i let question marks to be dragged on. it's selfish. this is me; very stubborn. i guess it's both good an bad. haha, what am i talking about. yes, everything has its own qualities and bad points yup.

Oh yea, but right now recalling these bad memories that's falling down from the sky like snowflakes is just plain painful. but hah! i chose it; i made these decisions in the past, and i remember me telling myself clearly that even if things doesnt work out the way i want it to be, i shouldnt be unhappy, and i should let go of it like letting sands fall from my hand; allowing it to be gone with the wind of fate and moving on happily becos i know i've tried.

this is what i want to tell the ppl whom it may concern in these fragments of memories:

Memory 1: I'm sorry; but i hate you too.
Memory 2: I'm sorry; i was just having problems with my confidence back then. it wasnt an attitude against you or anything. i know i've hurt you, i'm sorry& i didnt mean to do it. like i said, i wouldnt want someone who likes me to be hurt.
Memory 3: Were you just treating things in life a game? I dun like to play games, sorry. I had loved you, but now i see things clear, and i hate you.
Memory 4: I dun know what made me did these, but i guess it could be the strong emotions. I'd say, if time turns back, i'd nv have joined the club and make myself miserable like shit; spending my time and energy on something as useless as this. maybe i could have done better in As without this crapshit. i think i was like blind or something.
Memory 5: Sorry, it's not any of your faults, i admit it now. I'm angry, but i'm in fact angry with just my foolish self. i shouldnt have let appearances affect my own confidence, or i should have done something to save myself from the crapshits instead of seein myself literally falling helplessly. You know why i love JC the most amongst pri, sec and college? In primary school, we get pushed around by ppl because of our own innocence and fears. In secondary school we get pushed around by certain* people because we care too much for the wrong things; because of pressure, and because of inconfidence. In college, it's a brand new environment, and we get to start anew with life. it all began happily, until J2 when things started to go downhill, with all the problems clashing down at one frigging go. My own sudden lack of confidence that made me feel like redrawing from everyone; problems with friends; problems with studies.. I guess these are enough to drain myself spiritually. & i guess my changes were rather obvious.
Memory 6: What did u mean? i don't understand at all.. But nonetheless, thank you for the fragments of happy memories..:) and i'm sorry for some things too.

Sometimes i kinda don't understand myself.. sometimes it just feels like everything is your own fault. But after thinking through the stuffs once more, you'd know that, No! it's not like it's all your damn fault. you don't have to be so harsh with yourself. girl, it's like you're blaming yourself for all the things that went wrong.. when things shouldnt be like that at all. sure, u are partly at fault, but u've blamed yourself enough, even more than how much you should. what can we do now that all's said and done. So yea, it's time to move on with the white christmases. haha.. and don't be so foolish next time. Be resilient, and be practical with solutions, and be clear minded. haha. 当局者迷，旁观者清。医人比医自己困难。有时候我知道自己在无理取闹，但是当下可能其实我只是想要我在乎的人多关心一下我。虽然这种无理取闹的情绪带来的问题比安慰多。但算了。随风去吧。